Early Death
by minakou
Summary: Written out of boredom. What would happen to the other Gung-Ho Guns if Legato died early? Wolfwood on Springer and scarier stuff. R for suggestive themes, language and flying yaoi. Just don't sue me ;-;


º*ºOhh, cue the dark and scary music. The scene is dark and fire flickers in the background, along with screaming and evil laughter which can be easily heard everywhere. Legato stands shirtless(Yeah, baby!) in the middle of the scene, his lower area blocked by some dark fog or some crap like that. Yeah, censorship sucks ass.º*º  
  
Legato: So, I'm finally dead. So finally, here I stand in the shadow-  
  
º*ºpokeº*º  
  
Legato: -of the valley of the death. Hell is exactly what I -  
  
º*ºpokeº*º  
  
Legato: -thought it would be like.-  
  
º*ºpoke poke pokeº*º  
  
Legato: -All perfectly dark and..OW! Quit it already damnit, I'm not a freakin piñata!  
  
º*ºDeath stands next to Legato smiling nervously poking Legato with the non-sharp part of it's scythe. Legato is rubbing his left arm and whereverelse Death poked him repeatedly.º*º  
  
Legato: Goddamnit, I'm trying to make a "I'm-a-evil-psycho-villain-and-I'm-happy-I-went-to-hell" speech here.   
  
Death: Sorry. The demons in the backroom said if I poke you in the right places, food will come out.  
  
Zazie: *º*somewhere we may now know, in a Bart Simpson voice*º* I didn't do it.   
  
Death: Now...Where was I? Oh yeah...º*ºCue the evil camera angle and light effects*º*..that you are in Hell, the abode of condemned souls and devils, the place of eternal punishment, the location of where we fry your ass forever, you shall suffer! *º*Sailor Moon hand gesture*º*  
  
Legato: ...Ok. So how are you gonna torture me? Fan-girl stampede? Scary perversions? Owa's whippin' special?  
  
º*ºOwa polishes her whip in the background and grins.º*º  
  
Death: As good as those tortures sound, you're not gonna go through them. I'm gonna make you suffer in the worst way possible...I'm gonna make you wish you were alive! *º*laughs scarier than an escaped mental patient*º* Now you will see how your death affected the other Gung-Ho Guns!  
  
Legato: ...Damn, and I thought I was crazy.  
  
º*ºJust like a magician, Death spins around and throws something on the floor and smoke fills the whole scene. When the smoke fades  
the scene switches to a circus. Clowns are everywhere, children are laughing and all that other goody happy crap that's enough to scare the shiet outta you. You know. Legato is also dressed up as a hobo clown.º*º  
  
Legato: *º*shudders*º* This place is so pink, it's scary. Atleast things can't get worse. *º*looks at himselfº*º Oh shi-  
  
Death: As evil as it is, the circus itself isn't a part of your torture.  
  
Legato: Oh. Can we get some cotton candy then?  
  
Death: NO! *º*smacks Legato*º* Now, let's see what Dominique and Leonof, the first of the Gung-Ho Guns to be affected by your early death, are doing now.  
  
º*ºDeath leads the confused Legato to an abandoned tent titled "Freakshow". What he sees is scary enough to make pornography look funny. You know those guys that play a music box with a monkey collecting tips? Well..that's Dominique's job now. As for Leonof, he replaced his puppets with(what else?) Barbies. º*º  
  
Dominique: *º*throwing a bag(that seems quite full, by the way) out the window*º* Ack! Leonof, the damn monkey died again. It's the freakin' third time this week! How am I gonna get a replacement when the damn pet shop owner was terrorized by some giant Ken doll?  
  
Leonof: *º*playing with his Barbies nervously*º* Ohhhh, I dunnnnnnoooo.  
  
º*ºDeath grins at Legato, who's mouth is wide open in astonishment at the scene of...uh...the fucked up-ness. Legato groans disappointingly.º*º  
  
Death: º*ºnudges Legatoº*º Sad that you're dead and can't help them get out of that mess, eh?  
  
Legato: No...I'm just amazed and disappointed that I hired these guys. Now can we see what happens to Knives-sama?! Can we?! Can we?! Pretttyy pleassee?  
  
Death: *º*sweatdrops*º* No Knives-sama now. Anyways...onto the next Gung-Ho Gun.   
  
*º*Death does his spooky magic teleport thing again. The scene now switches to a talk show studio. The hyper audience is yelling obscenities and disses everywhere. In the center of the stage, three people sit in chairs separated so they won't bitchslap the hell out of each other. Wolfwood, who is smoking, is sitting in the chair in the middle and Millie, who is looking pregnant, is sitting in the chair to the right of him. Vash, who appears pregnant too, is sitting in the chair to the left of Wolfwood. And Legato is now dressed as Jerry-sama. Wooo. Now the camera zooms on the REAL Mr. Springer.*º*  
  
Jerry Springer: Welcome back and if you just joined our show, Nicholas here says that he accidentally impregnated two women-  
  
Vash: *º*interrupting*º* I'm not a woman! It's just a freakin' hormonal imbalance!  
  
Jerry Springer: Sorry, sorry. Nicholas here says that he accidentally impregnated two _people_ while doing his job.  
  
*º*Death points to the bottom left of the screen, which has a sign on it that says "Prostitution dosen't pay."*º*  
  
Wolfwood: *º*sweatdrops*º* You see, Jerry, I had no other ways of getting money since my 'job' before that kinda...went bankrupt. So I got stuck and had no choice.  
  
Vash: Saaayy...what was your other 'job'?  
  
Wolfwood: *º*sarcastically*º* Flipping pancakes. ¬_¬;  
  
Millie: See what kinda dumbass he is, Nicky-chan? Looks like your decision will be easier now.  
  
Wolfwood: ....  
  
Vash: Hey! Don't call me a dumbass, you hooters girl!  
  
Millie: *º*stands up*º* Oh yeah, you Super Saiyan-wannabe?  
  
Vash: *º*stands up also*º* Yeah, you boom boom bimbo!  
  
Wolfwood: Hey, hey, can't I keep you both?  
  
*º*Cue the violent bitchslapping, hair pulling, shoe throwing, clothes tearing, and the fifteen security guards coming in and trying to break up the fight. The funny thing is, that one of the security guards is Rai-Dei, who almost chops the threesome up. Now that's why we love Jerry, baby. Now we switch back to our sexy bad guy and Death.*º*  
  
Legato: ....  
  
Death: So, Leggattooo, feeling sorry now?  
  
Legato: *º*whining*º* I wanna see Knives-samaaaa...  
  
Death: Fine, fine! You can see what happens to Knives...  
  
Legato: Yay!  
  
Death: ...after we see what's going on with your favorite male whore. *º*raises a eyebrow*º*  
  
Legato: *º*face turns red*º* SHUT UP!  
  
*º*And Death does his poofy thing again(dosen't it get annoying the third time?). The scene is now inside a big house. Photos of naked and/or almost naked women are all over the walls and people running into and out of rooms are everywhere. Now our favorite gold-eyed psycho is dressed as Midvalley. Woo.*º*  
  
Legato: Waaaiitt...I know this place!   
  
Death: I bet you do.  
  
Legato: It's Middy-er, Midvalley's whorehouse!   
  
*º*Legato gets starry eyed and runs to another room. After thirty minutes, Death drags out a barely conscious Legato with one hand while carrying it's scythe, with the wooden part which is now broken into two pieces, with the other.*º*  
  
Death: *º*mumbling*º* You can pig out on the whore pantry later.  
  
*º*After wandering around for a while or some crap like that to pass the time, Death and Legato reach a door with the words "DO NOT ENTER" on it. Oooo, freak-a-licious.*º*  
  
Legato: Please don't tell me we're going to go in there..  
  
Death: *º*reading something that appears to be a script*º* Guess what.  
  
Legato: Hot dogs?  
  
Death: No. We're going in the room.  
  
Legato: Oh.  
  
*º*pause*º*  
  
Legato: ...  
  
Death: ?  
  
Legato: Shouldn't something happen right now?  
  
Death: Wait..*º*flips a few pages into the script*º* Oh yeah, sorry. *º*pushes Legato into the room and later follows*º*  
  
*º*Yay! We now get to look what the hell is in the room now. The inside of the room looks rather uh...un-whorehouse-like in every freakin way possible. Pictures of rap and hip hop artists are all over the walls. Papers with lyrics written all over them are scattered all over the room. (Okay, now here comes the scary part!) Midvalley, dressed in a shirt which says Fubu on it and also sporting rather baggy pants(with the top of his boxers visible, of course) is standing in the room talking to some ghetto guy who is surprisingly, EG the Mine, except he looks like a gangster on two truckloads of heroin . Boy, am I going to hell for this or what?*º*  
  
Midvalley: *º*adjusting his cap backwards* So what's the whole damn point here, yo? You waste my precious sugar time to confuse the dope outta me?   
  
Ghetto E.G.: Look here, guy. Some homies of yours said that you play some damn good saxophone shiznit.  
  
Midvalley: *º*picking up Sylvia Shaka*º* Damn right, son.  
  
Ghetto E.G.: So me and a few home slices are starting a group and yo know, we need a saxophonist because our sound effects guy got stabbed in a shoot out. Wanna be in it? Hey, you can pick the group's name.  
  
Midvalley: WHOO-er, I mean Hell yeah. Hey, E.G., let's name the group after the olden dogg dayz.  
  
Ghetto E.G.: You mean when that blue-haired whack dude ordered us around?  
  
Legato: HEY!  
  
Midvalley: Yeah...He was cute.   
  
*º*Midvalley smiles the oh-so-imfamous "You-know-I-got-a-lay-there" smile*º*  
  
Ghetto E.G.: ...um. Can you stop daydreaming and pick a damn name already, yo?!  
  
Midvalley: Oh, anyways..let's name it..the Ghetto-Go Gangstars.  
  
Ghetto E.G.: Yo is a geniuz, man!  
  
*º*Midvalley and E.G. high five each other and do some kinda weird gesture. Legato stands there in horror and looks like he just got castrated...without the anesthesia. Owchies indeed.*º*  
  
Legato: *º*hyperventilating*º* It's just a illusion, I am not a puppet, I have a heart and can feel pain..Er, whoops, er-wrong story.  
  
Death: Isn't it scary to see poor 'ole Hornfreak turn into a street thug? Well, yet again, Owa is a psycho and she can write whatever her V8 hangover is telling her to.  
  
Legato: *º*dramatic mode, actually showing some emotion(*gasp*)*º* It's sad, really. I had a really good reason for appointing him as my right hand man. This guy who's old clothes I am wearing right now was the only person in this world that would actually believe in the same beliefs as me...  
  
Death: Safe sex?  
  
Legato: Can you cut it out already?! *º*glares*º* And can we see Knives-sama now?! Plleaassee?  
  
Death: Hmm..enough time has passed...so okay.  
  
*º*And the teleport thing gets done again. This time the scene is a pastry shop.*º*  
  
Legato: What the hell?! Where's Knives-sama?!  
  
Death: *º*points to a Oatmeal Pie*º* Knives.  
  
Legato: *º*takes a deep breath*º* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
*º*The scene of Death cackling evilly and Legato screaming slowly fades. We now see a room with lots of beer cans on the floor.*º*  
  
Legato: *º*who is drunk off his ass, without his white trenchoat, and slouching on a nervous looking Midvalley*º* And that's how I got my pony! *º*hiccup*º*And that's how it goesss onnn and onn-*º*hiccup*º*-nnn~! MELOOODDDIIEEESSS OOFFF *º*hiccup*º* LIIFFFEEEE~! *º*hiccup*º* MELODIES OF LIFE~!   
  
Midvalley: *º*looking at his watch*º* And the liquor should kick in...  
  
*º*Legato twitches and then passes out unconscious in Midvalley's lap. (Yaoi fans cheer outside.)*º*  
  
Midvalley: ...Now. *º*blushes and looks at the camera*º* Do you mind? *º*puts his hand over the camera*º*  
  


~OWARI~

  
  
----------------------  
Owa: Yep, it's the end.  
Legato: You are so on crack.  
Owa: Don't make me bring out the whips, boy.  
Legato: ....<_<;  
  
Yeah, It's the end. Seriously! I know that Legato-sama dies in the series and manga, but this fic is a kind of "What If he died early?" type fic. You know what I mean. Don't mind the yaoi, It's my life support, just ask anybody I know x_X;; ^^;; And I'm not responsibe for any nightmares/scary mental images/hallucinations caused by this(especially the ghetto Midvalley part e.e;;).   
And the "Knives Oatmeal"(Along with Wolfwood Crackers, Milly Cheese, Legato Hotdogs, etc) is a joke between me and a friend, so don't mind the insanity.  
Finally, Trigun is copyrighted by it's original authors, not me.   
Comments? Threaths? Suggestions? OneWingedMakoto@aol.com is my email.  
  
  



End file.
